Deep Talk Series
Wednesday 31 October 2018
Deep Talk Series
INITIATING CONNECTIONS AND CONVERSATIONS OFFLINE
Have you wanted to turn to the person sitting next to you in your co-working space and strike up a conversation with the genuine intention of making a new connection and having a sincere discussion, but felt awkward to do it?
Or perhaps you find it easier to turn to your phone to initiate a connection by sending a message, instead of calling the person.
And how about that nervous feeling when going to an event, not knowing anybody, yet wanting to take the opportunity to meet new people beyond small talk?
For the second panel of the Deep Talk series, the focus was on talking about the meaning of sincere conversations and connections offline.
Seems like it's an obvious topic that needs no discussion.
So why has there been a proliferation of online content about the need and search for 'meaningful connections and conversations'?
And what does it actually mean? And how to do you make it happen without turning to technology.
For more details here is the original invitation.
Or perhaps you find it easier to turn to your phone to initiate a connection by sending a message, instead of calling the person.
And how about that nervous feeling when going to an event, not knowing anybody, yet wanting to take the opportunity to meet new people beyond small talk?
For the second panel of the Deep Talk series, the focus was on talking about the meaning of sincere conversations and connections offline.
Seems like it's an obvious topic that needs no discussion.
So why has there been a proliferation of online content about the need and search for 'meaningful connections and conversations'?
And what does it actually mean? And how to do you make it happen without turning to technology.
For more details here is the original invitation.
SUMMARY
- Some of the questions that initiated talk amongst panelists and the audience included: wondering at what moment is it right to initiate a conversation? Is it by staring at someone as a gateway to letting them know they are invited to opening a conversation? And what level of conversation is permitted or possible?
- The discussion also looked into whether there is a need of small talk if what we are looking for is meaningful conversations.
- Technology is so important in our lives and is the source of many of these questions about human behaviour. In what way can they work together and maybe not.
- The event was set up to create a space for conversation between the panelists and audience, which brought out many more questions and topics to enrich the sharing of experiences and view points.
2018 has seen a call for ‘meaningful connections and conversations’ and yet with the repetition of these buzzwords, one is left to wonder what really does ‘meaningful’ mean. To set the stage of the talk, it was necessary to define what we're talking about.
What do we mean?
The common benchmark of ‘meaningful’ in terms of conversations seems to be one in which, after walking away from the conversation, you continue to think about it for a while. Some conversations may cover many topics and others may stick with one that digs deeper. And thus a meaningful conversation is also one that opens up questions. Questions are not only about knowing more about the other person but also about yourself. It is an insight into our decision making process, a process that guides our lives.
And asking questions is naturally part of the small talk.
What do we mean?
The common benchmark of ‘meaningful’ in terms of conversations seems to be one in which, after walking away from the conversation, you continue to think about it for a while. Some conversations may cover many topics and others may stick with one that digs deeper. And thus a meaningful conversation is also one that opens up questions. Questions are not only about knowing more about the other person but also about yourself. It is an insight into our decision making process, a process that guides our lives.
And asking questions is naturally part of the small talk.
Small Talk – is it necessary or can we avoid it?
For some, small talk may seem irrelevant and superficial and an action based on a pattern that we have become used to. Yet, it’s value is in being the necessary starting point for initiating connections and conversations. Small talk helps create a point of understanding of whom you are speaking with. The exploration on whether it is a necessary part of how connections and conversations are initiated is actually about how one uses small talk and the opportunity it offers to explore the direction of the conversation. You aren’t going to get rid of it, but it’s whether you go past it.
A recent event organised by Monika in Wales is an example of how one can start with small talk and then push beyond it to learn more about people. Although culturally this particular exercise applied is risky, it shows that in the end there is a desire, interest and courage to take these risks for the greater benefit of getting to know people and learning how to talk to new people. Conferences are great opportunities to meet new people and event organisers should think more about the attendees, how they will feel, how they will interact, etc, when preparing these events.
Exploring how to initiate and continue conversation demonstrates a vital part of what a conversation is, which is when two people engage. Yet, this level of engagement has changed with the development of technology and thus impacting changes in human behaviour.
For some, small talk may seem irrelevant and superficial and an action based on a pattern that we have become used to. Yet, it’s value is in being the necessary starting point for initiating connections and conversations. Small talk helps create a point of understanding of whom you are speaking with. The exploration on whether it is a necessary part of how connections and conversations are initiated is actually about how one uses small talk and the opportunity it offers to explore the direction of the conversation. You aren’t going to get rid of it, but it’s whether you go past it.
A recent event organised by Monika in Wales is an example of how one can start with small talk and then push beyond it to learn more about people. Although culturally this particular exercise applied is risky, it shows that in the end there is a desire, interest and courage to take these risks for the greater benefit of getting to know people and learning how to talk to new people. Conferences are great opportunities to meet new people and event organisers should think more about the attendees, how they will feel, how they will interact, etc, when preparing these events.
Exploring how to initiate and continue conversation demonstrates a vital part of what a conversation is, which is when two people engage. Yet, this level of engagement has changed with the development of technology and thus impacting changes in human behaviour.
The role of technology and human behaviour
Technology has facilitated the flow of information for the most part in one direction, often resulting in a one-way consumption. Nonetheless, it’s benefits are numerous in terms of finding connections because technology has enabled us to filter and find the people we are more likely going to like. We can search for people with similar interests or create opportunities to attract people to join our own interests. This enables people to use technology as a reference tool to search and connect, thus eventually creating a two-way flow.
What we put out to the world via technology are the parts of our lives we want people to see. This, though, doesn’t come without risks. As we give people a perception of what is happening in our life. We are seeing a snip of someone's day, a snip of who someone is, controlled by what they choose to share. What we see may or may not be the entire story, and this is where we need to remain prudent. The ease that we may find in sharing online is often not translatable to real life, and during our event we asked why that is.
When we are offline, facing a person in real life, the complexity of ourselves and lives are made visible, we are in fact sharing more information. We are communicating beyond words with all our other senses added into the context: body language, smell, sights, sounds, etc. The reality is that this added information that is being communicated creates more vulnerability, which can lead to not knowing how the connection will transpire.
It’s this vulnerability and the not knowing of how a connection will transpire that’s strongly present when one is initiating conversation with the opposite gender.
Technology has facilitated the flow of information for the most part in one direction, often resulting in a one-way consumption. Nonetheless, it’s benefits are numerous in terms of finding connections because technology has enabled us to filter and find the people we are more likely going to like. We can search for people with similar interests or create opportunities to attract people to join our own interests. This enables people to use technology as a reference tool to search and connect, thus eventually creating a two-way flow.
What we put out to the world via technology are the parts of our lives we want people to see. This, though, doesn’t come without risks. As we give people a perception of what is happening in our life. We are seeing a snip of someone's day, a snip of who someone is, controlled by what they choose to share. What we see may or may not be the entire story, and this is where we need to remain prudent. The ease that we may find in sharing online is often not translatable to real life, and during our event we asked why that is.
When we are offline, facing a person in real life, the complexity of ourselves and lives are made visible, we are in fact sharing more information. We are communicating beyond words with all our other senses added into the context: body language, smell, sights, sounds, etc. The reality is that this added information that is being communicated creates more vulnerability, which can lead to not knowing how the connection will transpire.
It’s this vulnerability and the not knowing of how a connection will transpire that’s strongly present when one is initiating conversation with the opposite gender.
Gender and offline communication
The uncertainty and misperceptions when communicating with the opposite gender is not something that will go away, but it was agreed that the clarity of one's intention is key when initiating a conversation. Especially, because everyone perceives and reads spoken and unspoken information in real life differently. For example, someone's joking behaviour may be someone else's perception of flirting, and thus in some circumstances, these connections and conversations may require a verbal clarity about one’s intention.
The uncertainty and misperceptions when communicating with the opposite gender is not something that will go away, but it was agreed that the clarity of one's intention is key when initiating a conversation. Especially, because everyone perceives and reads spoken and unspoken information in real life differently. For example, someone's joking behaviour may be someone else's perception of flirting, and thus in some circumstances, these connections and conversations may require a verbal clarity about one’s intention.
By opening the questions and conversation with everybody who attended, the experiences and learnings from each other added some additional and useful information captured below.
* In an anecdote mentioned earlier about a homework experiment that required the task to start conversations with unknown people, the issue that comes up is the fear of failure. This is a common experience and what was observed is that often this fear is based on the fact we take things personally. If a person doesn’t respond with the same level of interest or says they’d rather not talk because they have work to do, this has nothing to do with you, and that is okay.
* Coming back to the question about small talk, when we are meeting people for the first time, our curiosity allows us to really wonder who is the person in front of us. With this approach, more room is created for insight and the opportunity to move beyond small talk.
* In an anecdote mentioned earlier about a homework experiment that required the task to start conversations with unknown people, the issue that comes up is the fear of failure. This is a common experience and what was observed is that often this fear is based on the fact we take things personally. If a person doesn’t respond with the same level of interest or says they’d rather not talk because they have work to do, this has nothing to do with you, and that is okay.
* Coming back to the question about small talk, when we are meeting people for the first time, our curiosity allows us to really wonder who is the person in front of us. With this approach, more room is created for insight and the opportunity to move beyond small talk.
The most common patterns we are accustomed to when it comes to small talk for both the questions we ask and the way we answer, are the questions of ‘where are you from?’ and ‘what do you do?’. And if small talk is a necessity to initiate conversation, how can we look into breaking these patterns to perhaps improve the quality of small talk that sets the opportunity to move beyond. This can include more thought into how we ask questions. For example, taking the typical “how are you?” and modifying it to “how was your day?” not only breaks patterns but also allows you to gauge the level of interest the person has in speaking with you. Consequently, giving you information as to what direction or depth you can take the conversation.
Some experiences of ways in moving beyond small talk and expanding on the initial conversation were shared. Such as asking follow up questions, ‘what was it like living/growing up in …?’ Or “Why?" The “Why?” question isn’t about finding an answer, it’s value is in having an insight into the thinking and decision making process of the person, it allows us to further understand who we are talking with. Another follow up question that was shared is “how can we change that?”. This question yet again opens the conversation to deeper thought, input and insight into the person we are engaging with.
* Sometimes it isn’t obvious as to what is okay to talk about. One suggestion shared is to simply ask the person for conversational consent. This asks the person permission on whether they are okay with a topic being further discussed or particular information being shared (i.e. it also helps identify whether they want to listen to you talk about a certain topic).
* Another tip shared was the role of closing conversations especially when a person has demonstrated vulnerability through the sharing of personal or sensitive information. This can be done simply by saying “thank you for sharing …” This technique can also be used in those conversations that we may have nothing to respond to but we don't want to leave the person to walk away with doubts about the conversation.
* There is also the confirm and respond technique that allows us to confirm understanding of what has been shared.
* Another experience raised was what to do when dealing with non-conversationalists. One suggestion was to check-in with the person you are speaking with. This can be done by simply asking how the person felt about the conversation or closing the conversation such as “thank you for letting me share…” or even by asking for conversational consent.
* In continuation with the topic about technology and human behaviour changes, the book Reclaiming Conversations was referred as a good read on this subject. One such example of change is when a conversation stops. Prior to our current technology, when a conversation stopped, it would continue by picking up somewhere else, i.e. another topic. Presently, what often happens when a conversation stops is that the next step is now to pick up the smartphone. This brought up the question about silent moments. The fact that we are uncomfortable about these moments. Yet, such moments can be opportunities to gather thoughts, to also allow perhaps more time to work through being outside our or the other person’s comfort zone. And thus it is okay to sit with the silence (and perhaps good practice).
* The topic about technology and the offline world was expanded with the question about how to balance the digital self with our real self and how to take digital conversations to real life. This question raised a few diverse examples and opinions. We all have a digital self if we exist online, this digital self is our personal branding whether we like it or not or want it or not. The question is then whether we choose to manage it or not.
Technology enables us to choose what we put out into the Internet. We can control what we publish and thus basically what we want to talk about. Consequently, this means you will get responses from people who are also interested in what you are sharing. And thus your digital self, based on the information you put out, is reflective of your real self. The only people who will talk to you are those who care about your interests. Instagram is an example of seeing what people like and what they are doing, offering a platform where you can connect and start an online conversation, with a level of certainty that if you brought this conversation into the real world, the connection would work because you already know you have similar interests.
The use of technology for our online self to our real life is also influenced by cultural differences. Tinder was brought up as an example in which it was found that Tinder in Germany was being used by people to meet new people with a clear, stated intention (i.e. written in the profile/requests) as friends.
We hope this Deep Talk episode gave some helpful tools to apply and food for thought.
Some experiences of ways in moving beyond small talk and expanding on the initial conversation were shared. Such as asking follow up questions, ‘what was it like living/growing up in …?’ Or “Why?" The “Why?” question isn’t about finding an answer, it’s value is in having an insight into the thinking and decision making process of the person, it allows us to further understand who we are talking with. Another follow up question that was shared is “how can we change that?”. This question yet again opens the conversation to deeper thought, input and insight into the person we are engaging with.
* Sometimes it isn’t obvious as to what is okay to talk about. One suggestion shared is to simply ask the person for conversational consent. This asks the person permission on whether they are okay with a topic being further discussed or particular information being shared (i.e. it also helps identify whether they want to listen to you talk about a certain topic).
* Another tip shared was the role of closing conversations especially when a person has demonstrated vulnerability through the sharing of personal or sensitive information. This can be done simply by saying “thank you for sharing …” This technique can also be used in those conversations that we may have nothing to respond to but we don't want to leave the person to walk away with doubts about the conversation.
* There is also the confirm and respond technique that allows us to confirm understanding of what has been shared.
* Another experience raised was what to do when dealing with non-conversationalists. One suggestion was to check-in with the person you are speaking with. This can be done by simply asking how the person felt about the conversation or closing the conversation such as “thank you for letting me share…” or even by asking for conversational consent.
* In continuation with the topic about technology and human behaviour changes, the book Reclaiming Conversations was referred as a good read on this subject. One such example of change is when a conversation stops. Prior to our current technology, when a conversation stopped, it would continue by picking up somewhere else, i.e. another topic. Presently, what often happens when a conversation stops is that the next step is now to pick up the smartphone. This brought up the question about silent moments. The fact that we are uncomfortable about these moments. Yet, such moments can be opportunities to gather thoughts, to also allow perhaps more time to work through being outside our or the other person’s comfort zone. And thus it is okay to sit with the silence (and perhaps good practice).
* The topic about technology and the offline world was expanded with the question about how to balance the digital self with our real self and how to take digital conversations to real life. This question raised a few diverse examples and opinions. We all have a digital self if we exist online, this digital self is our personal branding whether we like it or not or want it or not. The question is then whether we choose to manage it or not.
Technology enables us to choose what we put out into the Internet. We can control what we publish and thus basically what we want to talk about. Consequently, this means you will get responses from people who are also interested in what you are sharing. And thus your digital self, based on the information you put out, is reflective of your real self. The only people who will talk to you are those who care about your interests. Instagram is an example of seeing what people like and what they are doing, offering a platform where you can connect and start an online conversation, with a level of certainty that if you brought this conversation into the real world, the connection would work because you already know you have similar interests.
The use of technology for our online self to our real life is also influenced by cultural differences. Tinder was brought up as an example in which it was found that Tinder in Germany was being used by people to meet new people with a clear, stated intention (i.e. written in the profile/requests) as friends.
We hope this Deep Talk episode gave some helpful tools to apply and food for thought.
This event was made possible by the location hosts, St. Oberholz and the participation of the panelists and moderator:
Monika Kanokova, Author, Content and Community Strategist
Travis Hollingsworth, Founder and CEO, Norn
Serita Braxton, Author, Copywriter, Berlinerinblog
Monika Kanokova, Author, Content and Community Strategist
Travis Hollingsworth, Founder and CEO, Norn
Serita Braxton, Author, Copywriter, Berlinerinblog
ABOUT THE PANELISTS AND MODERATOR
Monika Kanokova is a content and community strategist who believes that the greatest gift given to her generation is the social web. Although she studied interior architecture when she graduated she decided her focus is to build virtual rooms, the same way she’d build physical spaces. Monika’s work is to help her clients connect to their customers through the right messaging and visual storytelling. She’s also the author of three books for creative freelancers and is currently working on a fourth one about creating gatherings.
Travis Hollingsworth is the founder of Norn, a new network and content programme designed to foster meaningful, in-person conversations among its members. After studying theology, Travis worked as a management consultant giving him the opportunity to live and work in 12 countries. He designed and tested the idea of Norn at Stanford University while leading an anthropological study into how Millennials connect with others in the modern world.
Serita Braxton is an author and copywriter, originally from Maryland, USA. A little over two years ago, she relocated to Berlin to pursue her creative career and has since written for ExBerliner Magazine, Neuland Herzer and Freunde von Freunden. Through her personal experience and that of others regarding connecting with people in Berlin, she decided to share this vast amount of information and experiences and created Berlinerin blog that also offers the opportunity to bring those online connections, offline.
Monika Kanokova is a content and community strategist who believes that the greatest gift given to her generation is the social web. Although she studied interior architecture when she graduated she decided her focus is to build virtual rooms, the same way she’d build physical spaces. Monika’s work is to help her clients connect to their customers through the right messaging and visual storytelling. She’s also the author of three books for creative freelancers and is currently working on a fourth one about creating gatherings.
Travis Hollingsworth is the founder of Norn, a new network and content programme designed to foster meaningful, in-person conversations among its members. After studying theology, Travis worked as a management consultant giving him the opportunity to live and work in 12 countries. He designed and tested the idea of Norn at Stanford University while leading an anthropological study into how Millennials connect with others in the modern world.
Serita Braxton is an author and copywriter, originally from Maryland, USA. A little over two years ago, she relocated to Berlin to pursue her creative career and has since written for ExBerliner Magazine, Neuland Herzer and Freunde von Freunden. Through her personal experience and that of others regarding connecting with people in Berlin, she decided to share this vast amount of information and experiences and created Berlinerin blog that also offers the opportunity to bring those online connections, offline.
Found the above interesting? Click on the two additional Deep Talk events exploring topics with deep relevance to how we live and what we experience.